Oh, those evil Sues
by Damned Lolita
Summary: Ashlee Kawaii!Kira!Sue!chan is about to start her wonderful magical pokemon journey! ...Well, not if I kill her first. Which would be better for everyone, trust me.


(I know, I know. I have wanted to write one of these forever. And she dies a horrible, bloody, painful, excruciatingly long death. The only long description you'll wanna hear in this story. This was inspired by a suefic with an OT named Taylor. She had a Pikachu, a Pachirisu, and a... Mew. Anyone know the fic? I'd love to read it again, just for a laugh. Now, I dragged dearest Aiden to read this disclaimer!

Aiden: Um, Ari-la doesn't own pokemon, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or the Nightmare on Elm Street. And she wants Kurama back. But Ari, I'm not done taking over the world with shining Eevees...

Me: Suck it up.)

At six o' clock in the morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the world was happy and Technicolor. And, in the town of Suprprfect, a girl named Ashlee Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan was stirring awake.

Beautifully.

Now, this girl did not know she was beautiful. Her parents, not recognizing her greatness, had two other normal children, and abused her horribly.

They made her do CHORES, take out the TRASH, and made her wait until she was a pokemon trainer to stop going to school. Sighing at her horrible life, she got up and began to dress. She wore a shimmering blue-purple-green-silver shirt that changed colors whenever she used her psychic powers she got from the _last white Rapidash_.

Her pants were perfect and white, hugging her perfectly cartoony calves/hips/thighs. She stretched, and somewhere, a litter of bunnies was born. (A/N: Like Entei and his volcanoes.)

She skipped to the bathroom, where she admired her hair. It was her pride and joy. It was shimmering pink-purple-blue-orange-red-yellow-black-green-white-and-sliver, and it changed whenever she used her psychic powers.

This colored mess should've looked horrible, but somehow, it didn't. Maybe everyone was colorblind. She ran a brush through it, causing flowers and kittens to pop out. Brushing her already perfect and white teeth, she grabbed her backpack, which managed to fit everything she'd ever owned into a sack about the length of a book.

Running gracefully past her room, she ran downstairs. Her mother, whose name is not important, was cooking her breakfast. "Hey, dear." The shadowy blob greeted her. "You're late. Because of all that time you spent doing your hair and makeup, you have to go to Professor Sparkling Willow and receive your pokemon late, just like everyone else."

Ashlee Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan sighed prettily. "Alright, but I will only suffer just this once. For the good of all." Suddenly overcome by love, her mother attempted to hug her, but just passed through.

Breakfast forgotten, Ashlee Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan set out on her grand and mystical journey. Down the street. Neverminding the fact that she'd be hungry soon, and that food was going to be hard to come by in the wild, she refused to eat. So god knows where all that fat came from for her boobs.

She skipped down the road, followed by many, many admirers, all faceless blobs like her mother. The only important character was herself, after all. She opened the door to the lab. "Oh, Ashlee Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan, you're here! No matter that I should be angry you're late, I'm so happy!"

Ashlee-Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan nodded knowingly. And even though it seems like every Trainer starts out late, there were none there. (A/N: I truly think there is a Time Warp present. DAMN YOU, FRANK N. FURTER!) "Here are our pokemon; normally, we just give out Squirtle, Charmander, and Bulbasaur, but we can't do that for you, because none of them are properly cute."

(A/N: But I _like _Charmander! Those meanies!) She gestured to the table. "So here we have our newest pokemon; Suicune, Celebi, Jirachi, Mew, Mewtwo, and a Shining Eevee." Ashlee Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan's eyes widened.

"Oh, I do love all of them..." The professor nodded. "Then take all of them! You may, since even though they're Legendaries I'd love to observe, I have no need of them!" "Yay!" Ashlee-Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan cheered. (A/N: Goddamnit, she is now ASHLEE. I can't keep typing this...)

She gave them all names. "Mew, you're Mia!" "Mew!" Even though they'd just met, Mew was deeply ornamented of this girl. "Mewtwo, you're... um, Deus-ex!" She gave the others names; Jirachi was Skywish, Suicune was Dewdrop, Celebi was Timequeen, and the Eevee was Kitsune. (A/N: quick pet peeve; WHO NAMES THEIR FOX POKEMON; "FOX"?!? WTF?!)

She set off down the road, forgetting her pokedex. It didn't matter; she was already destined to be a Master. The professor's lab collapsed in on itself. There was no more need for it. She set off for Viridian Forest, and immediately traipsed through, all without getting her perfect hair/clothes wet or dirty. She _floated._

At the end of the woods, she spied two people. She snorted. Ugh! They were not Perfect like her; they were plain. The girl had pink-and-black hair, but the pink didn't even change _color! _The boy's hair stuck up, but it used gel, not gravity-defying psychic technique! The girl had a thick pair of square black glasses on, and these slipped to the end of her pale nose when she sat up.

Ashlee sized her up. Chubbs-a-lot here wasn't good 'BFF' material, but that boy might be good for Angsty Teen Hormone Bucket lover. She strode up to them dramatically. 'My name is Ashlee Kawaii-Kira-Sue-chan! I'm gonna be a master!" The girl yawned.

"Great. Then come by my gym. I'm in Pewter, taking over for Brock." Ashlee crossed her arms under her chest, to emphasize her boobs. "Okay. See you later, handsome..." She swung her hips in the boy's direction, and pranced off.

The boy blinked. "Ari hon, what was that?" The girl sighed. "A Mary-Sue, Aiden. Come, we've got work to do..." He sighed, and nodded. The Sue met up with them at the Pewter Gym. Ari had redone it to her liking; the place was completely black and covered in random shiny things.

Ari was sitting on the rafters, typing on her laptop. "Oh. It's you. Ready?" Even though her pokemon should've been just level five, having never been trained, the Sue nodded. "Of course! Go, Mia!" The Mew flew out, but only after declaring her undying love for Ashlee.

Restraining Vita from attacking this Not-Mew, Ari called, "Double Battle! Mine and Aiden's against yours?" The Sue nodded beautifully, and tossed out another pokeball. "Go! Dewdrop!" Now restraining Vita and Kalisha, Ari tossed out her pokeball.

"Cicero!" A plain, ordinary Umbreon bounded out. "Den!" He threw out a pokeball, and out came a Raichu. "Shuka! Use Charge Beam!" The Raichu did so, striking the Suicune. "Cicero, Crunch!" Just like that, the Not-Mew and Sue-Cune (A/N: Yeah, couldn't help myself.) were fainted. Ashlee stammered. "But... how! This is my first battle! I can't lose!" Ari rolled her eyes.

"Well... go! Deus! And you too, Kitsune!" The Eevee and the Mewtwo phased out, ready to defend their trainer, even though she wasn't the one in danger. Ari grinned. "Cicero, back!" She threw out another ball. "Go, Cheshire!" A black Persian, (this isn't a sue-mon, I swear. A glitch in my R/S game turned my pokemon black in that game. Gameshark. A reverse shiny code, maybe?) flew out.

"Shuka, return! Go, Akira!" Aiden's Gallade flew out. "Kitsune, Deus, go! _Uuuuussse_... Suestrike!" Ari winced. "Oh, no. She's using her Sue-powers."

"Her what?" Aiden asked. "Watch." A shining white light hit Carpathia and Akira, knocking them out. Aiden gaped. "Whoa." Ari nodded. "Alright, we'll have to call out the big guns. Gojira!"

She screamed, throwing a pokeball, while restraining Praeclarus and Faris. (And it's HARD to restain a Mewtwo.) A Tyranitar expanded, filling the room. Aiden's Gardevoir, Cyrise, ran a hand over Akira's cheek, then rushed into battle. "Cyrise, use Psycho Cut!" "Gojira, use Crunch!"

The Tyranitar bit the Mewtwo and flung him across the room. He fainted. Ari sighed. "Thank god." Cyrise used Psycho Cut, then proceeded to just beat up the poor Eevee. Aiden winced. "I feel kinda bad..." Ari slapped him.

"Keep it _together_, man! Or the Sue will win!" Aiden rolled his eyes. Ashlee recalled the Mew-Sue and the Kit-Sue, (A/N: I know. But where else am I gonna use these crappy puns?) then sent out her last two; Celebi and Jirachi.

Aiden sent out Grendel, his Vulpix. He winced. "Vulpixes are _Sue-mon's_ aren't they?" Ari shrugged. 'Not Grendel, I think." She tossed out her last pokeball. "Go, Nharen!"

An intimidating Absol howled. "Grendel, Fire Spin!" "Nharen, Night Slash!" They struck in tandem, hitting the Celebi and Jirachi. They finally fainted before Ashlee could use her Sue-powers. Ari sighed. "Thank god."

The Sue stomped her foot. "You ruined my story! I'll show you! ...SUE POWERS, ACTIVATE!" Instantly, every character from the show ran out and attacked the gym. "Gojira!" Ari looked up at her Tyranitar. "Rani-tar?" Ari grinned evilly.

"Kill." So the Tyranitar went on a horrific rampage. And what did the two leaders do? Ate popcorn and watched. Until Gojira brought up the Sue. Ari giggled. "Well, thank you, Gojira!" She took her Leatherface chainsaw, and her Freddy Kruger nails, and sliced the Sue to bite-sized bits, which she fed to her Eevee. It did wonders for her coat.

(Well, there you are. I put my friend Aiden, who likes pokemon too, in this. He doesn't really know what a deadly force a sue is. Take fanfiction back, and start writing. I know where you sleep.)


End file.
